Comments on: The Secret to Connecting With People http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/ The gentle art of sanity amidst civilization Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:40:17 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Jan http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-10915 Jan Fri, 30 Jul 2010 18:18:53 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-10915 That was good! I need to do this more and more! That was good! I need to do this more and more!

]]> By: Scott http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-10807 Scott Mon, 26 Jul 2010 22:47:38 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-10807 This is difficult for "geeky" types of people who feel they need to set things right when other people saw things that are not true. It is very difficult. One one hand I see the need to set wrongs right and stop the flow of misinformation wherever possible, but I also see that true listening does make a good friend. I guess you just have to determine what is appropriate for each situation. This is difficult for “geeky” types of people who feel they need to set things right when other people saw things that are not true. It is very difficult. One one hand I see the need to set wrongs right and stop the flow of misinformation wherever possible, but I also see that true listening does make a good friend. I guess you just have to determine what is appropriate for each situation.

]]> By: susie http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-10382 susie Sun, 27 Jun 2010 22:50:18 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-10382 i loved it....so so true!! I've always let others be the star!! i loved it….so so true!! I’ve always let others be the star!!

]]> By: Swapna Raghu Sanand http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-10167 Swapna Raghu Sanand Tue, 08 Jun 2010 17:47:22 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-10167 I loved this article because it is simple, crisp, relevant and unpretentious. I loved the feel and tone of this conversation because I felt I could relate to it. Best, Swapna I loved this article because it is simple, crisp, relevant and unpretentious. I loved the feel and tone of this conversation because I felt I could relate to it.

Best,
Swapna

]]> By: David http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-9215 David Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:08:39 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-9215 Yes, I am a big fan of Carnegie's book, and you've highlighted his main point there: communication only happens when people are not resisting it. Argument creates walls immediately. As soon as you tell someone they are wrong, they stop listening (assuming they were listening in the first place.) In my experience, people let their guard down when you show them their ideas are valued. Yes, I am a big fan of Carnegie’s book, and you’ve highlighted his main point there: communication only happens when people are not resisting it. Argument creates walls immediately. As soon as you tell someone they are wrong, they stop listening (assuming they were listening in the first place.) In my experience, people let their guard down when you show them their ideas are valued.

]]> By: David http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-9214 David Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:05:50 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-9214 You make good points. "Free-market conversation" is a fascinating term. That is what happens, particularly in counties immersed in free-market values. You make good points. “Free-market conversation” is a fascinating term. That is what happens, particularly in counties immersed in free-market values.

]]> By: Michal http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-9200 Michal Mon, 19 Apr 2010 01:36:54 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-9200 @David do you know Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People? Carnegie says straight up that you can't win arguments by how good they are. ( Debates are different because you are not trying to convince your opponent, but the judges). It is all about pride I think. Information can only pass when people have their guard down. Essentially, Carnegie says the other person will consider what you say if you discuss the validity of their points and admit that you 'want to know the answer' but you want to work together in finding the answers. @David do you know Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People? Carnegie says straight up that you can’t win arguments by how good they are. ( Debates are different because you are not trying to convince your opponent, but the judges). It is all about pride I think.

Information can only pass when people have their guard down. Essentially, Carnegie says the other person will consider what you say if you discuss the validity of their points and admit that you ‘want to know the answer’ but you want to work together in finding the answers.

]]> By: Michal http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-9199 Michal Mon, 19 Apr 2010 01:27:51 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-9199 Hi @sahil , I don't think being brief is a bad thing. You are specific and to the point. Talking for hours can make people fall asleep. Conferences used to give people hour long talking spots, but these days a few places have adopted lightning-talks , like on ted.com. The best talking style is one which is clear, concise and full of wit to keep people listening. Comedians are great at getting their point across and keeping people attentive. Hi @sahil , I don’t think being brief is a bad thing. You are specific and to the point. Talking for hours can make people fall asleep. Conferences used to give people hour long talking spots, but these days a few places have adopted lightning-talks , like on ted.com.

The best talking style is one which is clear, concise and full of wit to keep people listening. Comedians are great at getting their point across and keeping people attentive.

]]> By: Michal http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-9198 Michal Mon, 19 Apr 2010 01:23:19 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-9198 @David , I think your last point is really important. I was on this thought track in a December 12 comment above too. Here are a few connections. (1) The problem with not talking to people who do not listen is that you may have to WORK WITH THEM. We choose friends but not co-workers. You have to deal with them anyway. (2) I think "recognition" and "victory" in conversation lead to free-market conversation. That is, those people who raise the most group-popular thoughts will score the most political points for the given time. The alternatives are (a) everyone agreeing with each other and saying "that sounds great, what do you think of ..." and (b) a conversation where you fight to get your turn to speak. (3) If you have a group discussion over food, there can be one or many 'alpha' speakers. They will set the pace and everyone else will be most interested in getting their attention. Alpha will try to always trump what others point out and rarely agree or admit fault in their arguments. Given (1), (2) and (3) above, I think it is important to learn to be successful in group discussions, because just listening to the alphas will not get you anywhere. You will appear to be reticent and you will be called out on that. That's how I used to be until I started being more proactive in group conversations. @David , I think your last point is really important. I was on this thought track in a December 12 comment above too. Here are a few connections.

(1) The problem with not talking to people who do not listen is that you may have to WORK WITH THEM. We choose friends but not co-workers. You have to deal with them anyway.

(2) I think “recognition” and “victory” in conversation lead to free-market conversation. That is, those people who raise the most group-popular thoughts will score the most political points for the given time. The alternatives are (a) everyone agreeing with each other and saying “that sounds great, what do you think of …” and (b) a conversation where you fight to get your turn to speak.

(3) If you have a group discussion over food, there can be one or many ‘alpha’ speakers. They will set the pace and everyone else will be most interested in getting their attention. Alpha will try to always trump what others point out and rarely agree or admit fault in their arguments.

Given (1), (2) and (3) above, I think it is important to learn to be successful in group discussions, because just listening to the alphas will not get you anywhere. You will appear to be reticent and you will be called out on that. That’s how I used to be until I started being more proactive in group conversations.

]]> By: David http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-9197 David Mon, 19 Apr 2010 00:09:21 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-9197 It's amazing how that works sometimes. We can be completely unaware of our habits until someone calls us on it. One day I was having a friendly "conversation" with a coworker, and he said "Dave, you are so argumentative. You always disagree." Of course, I argued that he was wrong :) but suddenly it was clear to me that he was right, and I have really changed my attitude about arguing with others. It’s amazing how that works sometimes. We can be completely unaware of our habits until someone calls us on it.

One day I was having a friendly “conversation” with a coworker, and he said “Dave, you are so argumentative. You always disagree.”

Of course, I argued that he was wrong :) but suddenly it was clear to me that he was right, and I have really changed my attitude about arguing with others.

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