Comments on: The Secret to Connecting With People http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/ The gentle art of sanity amidst civilization Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:02:35 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Sarah http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21599 Sarah Wed, 01 Feb 2012 05:53:00 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21599 As someone who is shy by nature, I am also a listener- but I have always struggled with keeping a conversation going. It is easier when there is a purpose to the meeting, as in certain job positions, but just a meeting between friends? Bit harder. You make a lot of good points here. We want to be listened to, but at the heart of it we want to be understood- and how can one do this when they cannot understand others? The give and take becomes less of a task, and more natural and right when you really mean to connect with them. As someone who is shy by nature, I am also a listener- but I have always struggled with keeping a conversation going. It is easier when there is a purpose to the meeting, as in certain job positions, but just a meeting between friends? Bit harder. You make a lot of good points here. We want to be listened to, but at the heart of it we want to be understood- and how can one do this when they cannot understand others? The give and take becomes less of a task, and more natural and right when you really mean to connect with them.

]]> By: Lisa http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21554 Lisa Sun, 29 Jan 2012 23:51:24 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21554 Excellent Read. Thank you. Excellent Read. Thank you.

]]> By: Tony Draxler http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21427 Tony Draxler Wed, 18 Jan 2012 04:07:12 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21427 Wow. You know that moment when you never realized something, and then suddenly you do, and your life flashes before your eyes and you wonder why it wasn't painfully obvious before? The latter definitely seems to ring true, and it's something that hadn't occurred to me until you mentioned it. I can already feel the floodgates of introspection opening up! Thanks for your insight! Wow. You know that moment when you never realized something, and then suddenly you do, and your life flashes before your eyes and you wonder why it wasn’t painfully obvious before? The latter definitely seems to ring true, and it’s something that hadn’t occurred to me until you mentioned it. I can already feel the floodgates of introspection opening up! Thanks for your insight!

]]> By: David http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21425 David Wed, 18 Jan 2012 03:55:44 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21425 I wrote this post a long time ago, so I'm not sure if I said this in it or not: If the people in your life don't value you, it's either because they're not worth knowing, or because you habitually devalue yourself and teach others to. If the latter is the case, that's an issue way outside the scope of this article. Listening is not the same as being the passive end of a conversation. It's not about always deferring to the other's wishes. It's simply making a point of actively looking for what others are trying to say. You must talk too! Some people will always be self-centered and will never realize it. This article is about finding connection where the potential exists. Find other people to talk to. I wrote this post a long time ago, so I’m not sure if I said this in it or not:

If the people in your life don’t value you, it’s either because they’re not worth knowing, or because you habitually devalue yourself and teach others to. If the latter is the case, that’s an issue way outside the scope of this article.

Listening is not the same as being the passive end of a conversation. It’s not about always deferring to the other’s wishes. It’s simply making a point of actively looking for what others are trying to say. You must talk too!

Some people will always be self-centered and will never realize it. This article is about finding connection where the potential exists. Find other people to talk to.

]]> By: Tony Draxler http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21424 Tony Draxler Wed, 18 Jan 2012 03:48:22 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21424 Hey David, kind of a long question here so I apologize in advance... I loved this post the first time I read it, and just read it again and it struck a different chord in me this time. What do you do when you constantly find yourself on the other side of the coin? What happens if you're the person that always makes the other person the star, you're the person who always gives and thinks of others first, and yet you don't get anything in return? I understand the notion that fulfilling others should be fulfilling in itself, and it is, very much so; But what happens when you give and give until you find yourself empty, unappreciated, and taken for granted? How do you find the balance between what's important for others and what's important for you? Developing a habit of always caring for others more than anyone cares for me over the course of the last 20 years has left me feeling very sad, undervalued, and empty. I understand your time constraints obviously, but would be very eager to hear your thoughts on addressing this in a blog someday (Or perhaps you've covered it before and I haven't caught it). What happens when "being good" because I believe it's the right thing to do isn't enough to make me FEEL good anymore? I'm worried that my compassion is turning into apathy and that scares me because that's not who I am Hey David, kind of a long question here so I apologize in advance… I loved this post the first time I read it, and just read it again and it struck a different chord in me this time. What do you do when you constantly find yourself on the other side of the coin? What happens if you’re the person that always makes the other person the star, you’re the person who always gives and thinks of others first, and yet you don’t get anything in return? I understand the notion that fulfilling others should be fulfilling in itself, and it is, very much so; But what happens when you give and give until you find yourself empty, unappreciated, and taken for granted? How do you find the balance between what’s important for others and what’s important for you? Developing a habit of always caring for others more than anyone cares for me over the course of the last 20 years has left me feeling very sad, undervalued, and empty. I understand your time constraints obviously, but would be very eager to hear your thoughts on addressing this in a blog someday (Or perhaps you’ve covered it before and I haven’t caught it). What happens when “being good” because I believe it’s the right thing to do isn’t enough to make me FEEL good anymore? I’m worried that my compassion is turning into apathy and that scares me because that’s not who I am

]]> By: David http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21422 David Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:29:37 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21422 Nope, not telling you take the back seat, only suggesting that you do what most people never do, which is actually listen to what others are trying to say. Listening doesn't preclude you from being a leader or a visionary, I'm not sure why you'd think that. Pioneers aren't people who don't listen, they're people who do what most people don't. Nope, not telling you take the back seat, only suggesting that you do what most people never do, which is actually listen to what others are trying to say.

Listening doesn’t preclude you from being a leader or a visionary, I’m not sure why you’d think that. Pioneers aren’t people who don’t listen, they’re people who do what most people don’t.

]]> By: Miguel http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-21420 Miguel Wed, 18 Jan 2012 02:15:45 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-21420 This sounds like you telling me to be a punk and take the back seat. What happened to pioneers, visionaries, leaders and assertive speakers? If all I have to say gives room for what someone else has to say, what happens when sense needs to be made? This sounds like you telling me to be a punk and take the back seat. What happened to pioneers, visionaries, leaders and assertive speakers? If all I have to say gives room for what someone else has to say, what happens when sense needs to be made?

]]> By: D http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-20760 D Mon, 12 Dec 2011 16:57:49 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-20760 Wow, you really put a lot of thought into this article and Im glad to see that this knowledge was able to change your life. But to keep a long story short I just want to let you the author know that this article is in the process of changing my life as well. I have always found myself in similar situations where I dont seem to have the friendships that I desir due to a lack of emotional connection. But then I read this article and realized that it is because I am always thinking of what to say. It makes sense now. I appreciate your shared knowledge and i just want you to know that your article is making a difference in the lives of others -Will Wow, you really put a lot of thought into this article and Im glad to see that this knowledge was able to change your life. But to keep a long story short I just want to let you the author know that this article is in the process of changing my life as well. I have always found myself in similar situations where I dont seem to have the friendships that I desir due to a lack of emotional connection. But then I read this article and realized that it is because I am always thinking of what to say. It makes sense now. I appreciate your shared knowledge and i just want you to know that your article is making a difference in the lives of others

-Will

]]> By: Crow91 http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-20487 Crow91 Thu, 24 Nov 2011 02:52:05 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-20487 I'm introverted and i'm naturally a listener , i always have that bad feeling of anxiety when i talk to someone , cause i can not think of things to say right on the spot , i just try too hard to find something to say that i totally forget what the other person is trying to say , this article right here is gold , now i realized i better stick to what i'm given as a gift , and actually i found that i can get on a lot better with outgoing to extremely outgoing people , i complete them , they complete me..... I’m introverted and i’m naturally a listener , i always have that bad feeling of anxiety when i talk to someone , cause i can not think of things to say right on the spot , i just try too hard to find something to say that i totally forget what the other person is trying to say , this article right here is gold , now i realized i better stick to what i’m given as a gift , and actually i found that i can get on a lot better with outgoing to extremely outgoing people , i complete them , they complete me…..

]]> By: Xavier http://www.raptitude.com/2009/04/the-secret-to-connecting-with-people/#comment-20368 Xavier Sat, 19 Nov 2011 23:35:26 +0000 http://www.raptitude.com/?p=588#comment-20368 *To David : Thanks for your post. I think the advice you give are very good to help "connecting" with someone. I've tried to apply that this week, and it worked well two thirds of the time. That is a different way of thinking, so I am sure that you need a lot of training to make it really efficient. So far my problem is this : once I have understood someone, I often just think "ok, cool!", and the talk stops haha. I need to get fast enough and more relax in order to come up with something after I understand the other. *To the name in the sea of names (and anyone else haha) : I think the advice of understanding the other first often does not work during parties. A lot of people go to parties to have fun. They do not feel like expressing their deep thoughts, they just want to have a good time ! So they will get bored if you pay a lot of attention to them without bringing any interesting or fun element in the relation. However, if they do say something, then for sure you need to understand why they say that in order to be on the same "wave length". But you often need to find an interesting/funny topic first ! You say you are shy. Maybe you could work on expressing your feelings. You could also try to joke with people. I know it is hard to do that when you are shy, because you feel blocked : no deep thougth comes up ! Maybe you could try to relax during parties, and talk about what you think is funny. If it's funny to you, then it sure will be funny for someone else too : that's the beginning of a connection ! *To David :
Thanks for your post. I think the advice you give are very good to help “connecting” with someone. I’ve tried to apply that this week, and it worked well two thirds of the time. That is a different way of thinking, so I am sure that you need a lot of training to make it really efficient. So far my problem is this : once I have understood someone, I often just think “ok, cool!”, and the talk stops haha. I need to get fast enough and more relax in order to come up with something after I understand the other.

*To the name in the sea of names (and anyone else haha) :
I think the advice of understanding the other first often does not work during parties. A lot of people go to parties to have fun. They do not feel like expressing their deep thoughts, they just want to have a good time ! So they will get bored if you pay a lot of attention to them without bringing any interesting or fun element in the relation. However, if they do say something, then for sure you need to understand why they say that in order to be on the same “wave length”. But you often need to find an interesting/funny topic first !
You say you are shy. Maybe you could work on expressing your feelings. You could also try to joke with people. I know it is hard to do that when you are shy, because you feel blocked : no deep thougth comes up ! Maybe you could try to relax during parties, and talk about what you think is funny. If it’s funny to you, then it sure will be funny for someone else too : that’s the beginning of a connection !

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