Hidden somewhere in a pile of my own bad prose and abandoned bucket lists, in a tattered grocery bag in my storage room, lies the secret to happiness and peace.
It’s scrawled on a fifty-cent note of Canadian Tire Money, in dark purple Jiffy marker. Just four potent words, but they triggered a flood of insights into my life, and started me on the long and winding road to happiness.
The night I wrote those words down, I was in trouble. I was marching down a career path that made me nauseous to think about, I had no friends nearby, no passions, no ambitions, no confidence. I had lost, by that time, any real belief in a bright future.
The optimism I’d carried so easily through grade school was a distant memory, by then as alien as photos from someone else’s life. Small obstacles completely derailed me, I expected to fail at everything, and human beings generally scared me. It was a particularly bad night in a bad year, and I was in mourning for myself.
I was also totally naked.
When you’re depressed you don’t want to leave the shower. It’s one of the few safe, warm and inviting places to be. I found it so difficult to turn off the water, because then it was back to real life. Cold, dirty, unpredictable life.
One night, when I didn’t even need to, I took a shower. I stayed in there so long, basking in the heat, that the water started to run cool. As dreadful as it was, I had no choice but to get out. To make things worse, the window in that bathroom never closed properly, even in the winter. I knew icy prairie air was pouring in continuously throughout my shower, filling up the bathroom on the other side of the shower curtain.
I had a routine for this. Push in the faucet, tear open the curtain and grab the towel off the rack as quickly as possible. Winnipeg was suffering a cold snap that night, and the bathroom would be as frigid as a meat locker, so I had to be quick.
The moment came; I slammed in the faucet, tore open the curtain and… no towel! In my self-absorbed funk I had forgotten to bring one with me. I jumped out, shivering, and hunted through all the cupboards. No towel anywhere in the bathroom!
Defeated, I stood on the mat and let the cold air flood over me. I watched the ice fog pour over the sill like freezing smoke. I just let it have its way with me. I didn’t get mad at it, I didn’t shiver or scramble to dry off. I just let it feel like whatever it was going to feel like, and noticed something peculiar.
It didn’t hurt me. It wasn’t excruciating, or even unpleasant, just colder than I’d like. My choice to resign to the cold, rather than escape it, robbed it of its power to make me miserable. It was only when I cowered and shivered that it was so awful. I was impervious to it, so long as I didn’t insist it not be cold. Why would I ever resent the cold again?
I was immune. I had conquered it.
The cold could never make me suffer, only I could. My brain started to overflow with the implications of this discovery. Was everything like this? Could I disarm any threat, just by letting it be what it is?
I had to write this down. Still naked, I ransacked the bathroom a second time, for a writing utensil and a piece of paper. I procured a Jiffy marker and a yellow, fifty-cent bill of Canadian Tire Money.
Lost for words, I scrawled:
Less resent
Less pain
In hindsight “resentment” and “suffering” would have been better words, but it didn’t matter. The words were not the message, just reminders of it. I couldn’t forget it anyway.
I knew this was big. Huge.
Nudity Begets Discovery
The whole scene really felt quite historic. Not only could I see how sublime a revelation this would prove to be, but it happened in a remarkably similar manner to a much more famous discovery, twenty-two centuries earlier.
The ancient Greek scientist Archimedes also had the discovery of his lifetime while he was bathing.
He had been ordered, by a cranky and unreasonable king, to solve an extremely difficult problem. His Royal Highness suspected that the crown that had been made for him was not pure gold like he’d been promised, but was adulterated with cheaper metals. Cursed with a reputation for being the local smarty-pants, Archimedes was charged with determining whether the crown was pure gold or not, though he could not dismantle or otherwise ruin the crown.
The crown was far too irregular and intricate to calculate its volume, so he had no way of knowing if it was as dense as gold. For days, he fretted and swore, kicked cats and shrieked at passers-by. Out of ideas, he closed up his laboratory and drew himself a bath.
When he lowered himself in, water spilled over the sides, and The Answer struck him. He could submerge the crown, and measure the rise in the water level to determine its volume perfectly. He sprang from the tub and bounded out into the street, dripping and nude, gaily shouting “Eureka!” (I have found it!)
I should have shouted “Eureka!” and streaked out the door in similar fashion, but running through the frozen streets of Winnipeg in my birthday suit didn’t have the same appeal as cobblestones in the warm Greek sun.
Aftermath
Of course, simply knowing what the problem was — and it really is the problem — didn’t automatically make life grand overnight. It didn’t make me a disciplined or courageous person. I was still timid, socially retarded, depleted of the confidence I had as an overachieving middle-schooler. I still had terrible habits, irrational fears, poor willpower, zero organizational skills and no identifiable passions. I still felt very much behind where I could be, where I should be.
No, in terms of my position in life, my discovery didn’t change the score at all.
But it changed all the rules.
It gave me, for the first time, a direction I had no doubt in. I knew right from that cold, clear moment, that this truth would never change. Finally there was a light in the distance that I could always count on to find my bearings: my hell comes from inside, and it’s my responsibility. It’s all my fault, thank God.
In this new game, I had access to all the power I needed to be happy, if I so chose. Power, I would learn, is nothing but responsibility. It’s very simple. CEOs who control large companies have that power because they take responsibility for those companies. I have power over my happiness precisely to the extent I take responsibility for it. You too. Same goes for achievement, wealth, discipline, even the state of the world itself.
Circumstances would not, it turns out, be the death of me. My problems were not problems at all but for how I related to them.
And that’s where I invested my energies from that point on. Figuring out how to change myself, not push the river.
I turned to self-improvement and spirituality, and began the slow process of rebuilding myself. As I learned about how people have approached the conundrum of suffering, I kept seeing my same discovery in different words. Most notably, Krishnamurti summed up the essence of his life’s teachings with the same message, though much more elegantly. When asked the secret to his unwavering happiness he said, “I don’t mind what happens.”
So I didn’t exactly invent it. But at that time, I had not heard of Krishnamurti, or Emerson, or Tolle, or Kabir. This was brand new territory to me, absolutely revolutionary, and life was never the same.
That’s not to say I never suffered again, not at all. I still do. I’m much better, but still delightfully imperfect. I do worry and fret and resent, sometimes. I still have problems.
But I know exactly where to look for solutions.
Inward. Always.
Photo by AMagill
I spent 5 years in Minnesota and have tiptoed in your shoes. I can remember swimming at the local YMCA, not having time to dry my hair, and my hair instantly freezing in the -40’F air.
I find your observation hitting very close to home (don’t ‘cha know). The more I fought against the freezing cold, the harder it bit.
I liked how you delved into the heart of the matter, “Power, I would learn, is nothing but responsibility.”
To have discovered this is a gift. “Eureka!”
I’m glad you stayed indoors, though. I’m afraid that cold would’ve have bitten a bit too painfully. ;)
Ahhh… my friend, you could not have timed this post more perfectly since readers coming over from my site today will be primed for words like “naked” and “nudity” and, yet again, you won’t fail to deliver. ;)
All distractions aside, though, it was a fantastic post! I love the personal story and the Archimedes example, too… made it all very real; I was totally drawn in. Now I feel like I just had the same “Eureka!” moment you had, only without the freezing.
I’m absolutely stumbling this!
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Fellowship Fridays: Why Size Doesn’t Matter =-.
This is great! I love those little “a-ha” moments that make up a life. It’s almost as if there’s a universal muse that sprinkles idea dust on us when we need it. Sometimes (as with Archimedes), it’s after a long and troubled period of searching, while at other times (such as with yourself) it comes seemingly out of nowhere. Inspiration strikes, and our lives are changed forever by it. Such is the way we grow individually, and such is the way we grow as a species, ever evolving into higher consciousness.
.-= Jay Schryer´s last blog ..I Totally Screwed My Karma =-.
Ahh, good stuff. Resentment can be such poison to the human soul. It comes from within, and no one can take it away from us but ourselves. We can change our thoughts and views, not necessarily the reality outside of us.
It’s amazing what kinds of things come to us in the shower. :) Thanks for the fantastic post!
.-= Dayne | TheHappySelf.com´s last blog ..7 Life Lessons I Learned From Pablo Picasso =-.
Lori — I think Minnesotans are the only Americans (except maybe North Dakotans and Alaskans) who truly understand the hellish cold of a Manitoba winter.
Lisis — As you and Alison were talking about todays QFB post last night on Twitter, I suspected that today was a good time to write a post with “Naked” in the title. Wasn’t sure what you were up to, but I had an idea where you were going.
Jay — Yes, evolution is what it’s all about. Out with the old and ineffective, in with the new.
Dayne — Thanks Dayne. Resentment took so much of my energy for so long. It only ever made things worse. I like that it’s up to me.
Brilliant post David! Another testimony to the power of our minds. I heard Oprah interviewing Tolle a while back – she said “Don’t you have ANY problems?” incredulously. He said simply “No. I don’t create any.” Ahhhh, yes. How simple life is and how our heads muck it up. Was it Thomas Edison that said something about if we knew what we were capable of, we would astound ourselves? I think so. How ironic that he invented the light bulb when we use the expression “a light bulb went off in my head and….”
I’m rambling off here with Monkey Mind – suffice to say I love how you write!
.-= suzen´s last blog ..Negative Habits that Destroy Relationships & A Tool for Change =-.
This is so well written David. I mean, everything you write is, but I don’t know how you manage to make me smile broadly while making a profound point.
I’m also very impressed that you had a Jiffy marker in your bathroom! And here I was thinking that *I* was into stationary! You put me to shame!
; )
David you’re safe! I thought something happened to you over on Quest for Balance ;).
I have to say, this was a very engaging read. I love showers as much as the next guy, but it’s funny how something as random as a shower could inspire a person to learn such an amazing lesson.
@ Lisis ha ha. you never cease to stop making me laugh. You and Alison are such schemers.
.-= John´s last blog ..Love the Skin You’re In In 5 Easy Steps =-.
Suzen – Isn’t it amazing? Problems are just abstractions we add to what we actually see. When we crave a reality that is not the real one, we suffer.
Jess – Thanks so much Jess. The fact that I had a jiffy marker in my bathroom drawer only speaks to how disorganized I was. It was really just a junk drawer with some bathrooms stuff in it.
John – Yeah I wasn’t sure what Alison and Lisis were going to drop on me this morning. They were very giggly about it yesterday.
We also had to flip a coin as to whether to give you any warning at all, or just let it be your Friday morning surprise. I’m kinda glad we did drop a hint or two ’cause this post works beautifully with mine. I guess a little tag-team action can’t be a bad thing, huh?
John… you have NO idea. Shoulda seen us in college! ;)
.-= Lisis´s last blog ..Fellowship Fridays: Why Size Doesn’t Matter =-.
Let’s see — statues of David, topless photos of yourself, stories about you showering. This site is now officially Rated T for Teen.
… great post! Neil
.-= Neil´s last blog ..#710 When little babies let out adult-sized burps =-.
Haha, thanks Neil. Yeah I’m actually trying to steal a bit of porn traffic, is it obvious? :)
Raptitude is at least T for teen. I even managed to include the F-word in my Mother’s Day article.
awesome post that just made my day, ive had the same kind of experience but never made the connection to extrapolate it to other circumstances once again you just made my life slightly better.
many thanks
Very cool post. You know the more I read and talk to people that work in the field of self-development, even if it isn’t as a full time job, the more convinced I am that almost all get into it because they want to work on themselves.
Every seminar and training course I have ever been on has been littered with people that wanted to ‘fix’ themselves. I certainly know I did and still do in areas.
Has this got anything to do with your post. I really have no idea because I’m rambling, but I think I made a point of some kind ;-)
.-= Tim Brownson´s last blog ..The Ultimate Stress Busting Post =-.
great post! returning to water in times of stress or disappointment has been a cure across the ages. my close friends and i regularly remind each other to go for a swim, hop in the shower, or pour water over our hands when feeling lost or overwhelmed by life.
The structure of DNA also emerged through bath time reverie.
There is a perennial philosophy to not be so attached to the goings on of this world, to be in it and not of it.
Some comment on my behaviour as “easily pleased” or “rose coloured glasses” when in fact I take delight in the little things (because they are not always that little :-) and I do not hitch my feelings of worth to outcomes, positive or negative.
If I’m stressing about something, then I am standing still. So even when confused or unmotivated~ I move, I do something (including showering)~ and an “aha” door opens~ always there, just waiting for my “eyes” to adjust to what is really there.
Haha, I like how you said you should have copied Archimedes’ antics. Very Bill Bryson-esque humor.
It’s great that you had an “ah ha” awakening. For many of us, it is a slow gradual process. But the end is the same. When we can really feel/realize no resentment, that is the end of fear, and in the absence of fear, we can’t help but float on top of life.
Good article, thanks.
.-= Kaushik´s last blog ..How to Stop Compulsive Thoughts: Letting Go in Four Steps =-.
I laughed out loud at your title…
I did a couple of posts on my own blog called “EFT in the Shower”… I didn’t have to foresight to shoot for porn traffic… :-)
Great Article, David.
A trekkie might say ‘resistance is futile’.
I would say that pain is much less painful when we let go of the need to fight it.
The more I Relax… the more I acceptance… the more I’m at peace
keep smiling,
Ben
.-= Find yourself with a smile…´s last blog ..101 Proven Tips for Powerful Meditation (part 4) =-.
Matt – Good to hear, Matt. Slightly better is way better than slightly worse.
Tim – No doubt. Same reason people take psychology: because they’re totally crazy and want to know why :)
Char – I love the water symbolism. Water has all the virtues I want: adaptability, consistency, beauty, vitality… I could go on.
Brad – After I wrote it down, I realized I was naked, and laughed at how absurd it was. It made me think of a cartoon of Archimedes from a junior high science book.
Kaushik – Thanks. That’s right; if you can commit to non-resentment, then there can be nothing to fear. You know you’ll never encounter anything objectionable, because it’s you that deems it so.
P.S. I want to point out something about your statement: “When you’re depressed you don’t want to leave the shower. It’s one of the few safe, warm and inviting places to be.”
It turns out that aversion to cold may not be just a symptom but also a cause of depression. I just wrote about it in my lastest blog entry.
Interestingly, Alexa Fleckenstein, M.D., also wrote that gout patients tend to fear cold water – even though it’s the best thing for them.
.-= Brad´s last blog ..Alleviate Depression =-.
The first step to enlightenment is not to believe you thoughts any longer. Seems to me you’ve taken this first step.
.-= Patrick Schriel´s last blog ..How To Find Your Passion =-.
David, I loved this! I was really into this reading through your post and then I read this:
“I don’t mind what happens.”
That’s incredible. That’s my new mantra. Thanks!
.-= Stephen – Rat Race Trap´s last blog ..The Problem With People – They’re Not Perfect =-.
So simple!
Hi David. Well of course your title caught my eye. But I was caught up in the story and the writing too. My favourite line was “My choice to resign to the cold, rather than escape it, robbed it of its power to make me miserable.” Humbling. You made a mistake by not having a towel nearby — and a good one at that.
.-= Davina´s last blog ..Come Alive with Favourite Music =-.
Hi Davina. You’re right, it was one of my better mistakes :)
I’ll definitely get busy making some more.
Someone sent me a link to this post. Because of the whole nakedness.
Its fantastic, a truly great piece of literature. And its put me in a creative mood :)
May have a go at writing music around this, if its ok with you…? Just for personal use of course, i’m a 16yr old British student, not gonna get too far…
Hey thanks Chris. I’m not sure what you mean about writing music around this, but by all means, knock yourself out. I’d love to hear what you come up with. Drop me an email.
I know this post will be met with lots of criticism, but that realization is one of the big learning curves that most fraternity pledgeships teach. I’m talking about the hazing that is universally banned, but still present in some universities. Some of the things that a pledge must go through can only be overcome by a change in mindset, much like what you are referring to. This relates to physical pain, embarrassment, sleep deprivation, etc. Most people will bash hazing, but people do it for a reason, and this is one of them – a life long lesson.
Amazing post. You have a very interesting way of writing and the message was loud and clear, thank you for sharing.
.-= Alexandru Strimbeanu´s last blog ..+fav and pageviews = overrated =-.
Thanks Alexandru. This is one of my favorite articles. Sometimes I feel like I didn’t quite get my point across, but I know I did here.
So eloquently you describe the art of allowing! Awesome! I love it.
Allowing things to be as they are and responding rather than reacting is the goal. :)
.-= Gerlaine´s last blog ..Gerlaine Talk Refocus… =-.
A friend of mine showed me your blog and I think these websites would totally explain what you realized in your post above: http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php and http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=AbrahamHicks
This is an excellent post, I enjoyed it very much. I’ll be checking out all your others, for sure.
.-= Lorra´s last blog ..Book Reviews for January and February =-.
It is what it is.
Words to live by.
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..My Cognitive Dissonance =-.
I love the shower also.
You are truly wise for such a young man. Thanks for this, I wil be sending the link to some friends, who, like myself, can resentfully suffer with the best of them ;)
I am where you were. I am so happy to have read this.
Thank you.
I too have had similar eureka moments while naked, though my discovery’s were different its still kind of funny that most of my great “ahah” moments, happened in the buff.
Being naked is the most freeing and vulnerable thing a human can do.
In my opinion being naked is when you are the barest form… its really nice
It was like your hitting a bottom that alcoholics experience in recovery.
Benjamin Koshkin
This is a good story but blatant plagiarism. Quotes should be referenced. Fail!
If you’re going to accuse me of plagiarism, maybe you could explain what you’re talking about.
Or am I the latest victim of drive-by libel?
If you don’t want to be cold when leaving the shower, just run water over your body that is cooler or just a neutral temperature before turning off the shower. It won’t be cold enough to make you cold while in the shower, and better yet- you won’t be cold when coming out of the shower because your body has adjusted. Or if you don’t want to do that, just place the towel in an easy to grab spot behind the curtain or door of the shower, so that you can grab it before leaving the shower and dry off and remove the mositure from your skin while still in the warm air of the shower. No goosebumps!
Well the problem was that the temperature in the bathroom had dropped to refrigerator temperatures because of the broken window, and that there was no towel in the room. Thanks for the tips though.
I’ve always heard people tell me it’s in my head. I knew it was true, but just didn’t know how to deal with it being in my head. You inspire me. Oh, and I couldn’t help grinning from ear to ear reading this post. =)
Thank you for your story. I think it’s wonderful that you didn’t invent the epiphanies, but still want to share your story, for I believe every story is one worth telling.
As for the point of the story. That’s a great insight! Endure it, then look inside yourself to make it better. I try the enduring part sometimes, with cold (I tell myself: “It’s not cold” and have myself stop shivering, and you know what? Most of the time, it really isn’t that cold), and with pain (I just try to endure it. I cannot say, however that I’ve known that much of it, so I’m not sure how I can really do this).
About looking to the inside and not letting the outside get to you too much: I was reminded yesterday that most of the time, it doesn’t matter. No, really. All the things from the outside, and the way you relate to them (with fear, sadness or difficulty), they don’t matter. I’m trying out right now whether that can help me to be more human and to enjoy life as it comes.
Thanks for sharing!
Isn’t the web wonderful! ‘Stumbling’ through a coffee break leads me here. What to do with this cold cup of coffee now I wonder :-)
Re: cold and showers. Urban wisdom has it that you should step into a warm shower but out of a cold one. Honestly, just try it. I am not talking all the way cold, just say….swimming pool cold. Try cranking it down little by little and you’ll be surprised at how refreshing it is and it doesn’t hurt if you take it down slow.
Me and my kids love it and they can go waaay lower than me, coz I am still a little chicken sometimes……(its minus 12 here at the moment!!)
Stay well
Now where is your RSS button……
I’m completely ringing like a bell here, David, which how much I resonate with this post. I, too, was in a very similar situation. Of course it was one of my own creation and doing, but I didn’t know it at the time. But all of a sudden on Independence Day (literally and so fitting), the bell tolled and I finally realized I had to power and the responsibility to be happy again. From that decision, I’ve moved on and am now reflecting on the experiences I went through on my blog, in order to hold myself accountable towards being a hero, and not a victim of my life.
The subtitle on my blog is Real Raw Naked and Free. Like you, naked and dripping in the shower is where my realizations get heated until they come out!
Lastly, I’m in a yoga teacher training right now and the quote from my teacher that has stuck with me is this: “How we are is less important than how we are with how we are.” It’s now the how or the what we are or happens, it’s our conscious relationship to those things that makes the difference.
SO happy to find you via Joy Holland!
Thanks Quinn. And thanks to Joy too :)
Good on you for not just having your epiphany, but putting it to use in your lifestyle. Insight by itself isn’t going to do it.
—When asked the secret to his unwavering happiness he said, “I don’t mind what happens.”—
I find that I often over-analyze my life and try to think my way into understanding… when the most effective life changers seem to be a simple phrase that just hits you & let’s you go. Your phrase and the one above just made me feel like a weight was lifted off of me. I try to come back to this place of lightness, but my mind and the rambling often takes over. Thank you for this, this morning… to take me back to that open place where I can find the Truth.
I love you! lol
You’re a great writer – totally amusing and mind blowing, I will quote your stories to my brothers and sisters whenever I can.
On another note, have you ever noticed that there’s a very interesting quality or air with many of the people (their pics) here. Heavenly or angelic might be ways to describe it… like their bodies were different but their feels were very similiar.
I stumbled upon your blog yesterday afternoon and I haven’t been able to peel myself away. After every article, I find myself pausing for few moments to reflect and let the message soak in. You are a truly gifted individual.
Hi David,
I’ve been reading your blog for weeks now. You have a such a great way of describing your feelings and explaining complex things, that it puts me in a better mood no matter what. Your entry “Everything in it’s place” inspired me to clean my house, another taught me how to be mindful and “in the moment”, I could go on. I’m on a twisted and complex path to self acceptance, and your blog has been helping me a lot.
Thank you so much taking time and putting your thoughts into words, they have a lot greater impact on people’s lives that you can ever imagine.
Thanks Maria. I get a lot of feedback on my posts, but I never really get to see how much of a practical difference it makes in people’s lives. I like the idea that there are people out there who are seeing real changes in life after reading this blog.
David, I just came across your blog, because this was posted on Thought Catalog. Let me tell you, I’m SO glad I did. I love everything I have seen here. This post in particular is pretty awesome. I can imagine Winnipeg wouldn’t be the greatest place to be feeling that crappy, and I TOTALLY get how cold it gets there…but it’s fantastic to see how you came out on top!
…maybe The Weakerthans will write a song about it…
Hi,
thank you for this article. it truly is a eureka moment.
I run a website called cleanrelationships and it helps people in recovery find their counterparts and find peace with each other.
Can I use this as a reference?
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